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While in a relationship with a woman five inches shorter and over 100 pounds lighter than myself, I found myself to be a victim of domestic violence.
My ex-girlfriend at first appeared to be a pleasant, petite woman that I thought I had a lot in common with. I believe two people in a committed relationship should have no or very few secrets—that way, we can really get to know and understand one another and then, defenses down, we can truly get to appreciate and eventually love one another.
But my ex was of a different school of thought. Eventually we wound up living together, and naturally, as in any relationship, we’d argue. The first time that she struck me in anger, I was thunderstruck. My parents never hit one another, nor were any of my previous girlfriends inclined to do so.
Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder certainly didn’t seem to help. The easiest and most natural thing for me to do would be for me to give in to a full manic rage, striking out at her, her offspring, and anybody else bold enough to try to stop me. But I did not, not that time nor in the three additional instances in which she assaulted me.
As visions of me being handcuffed and led away by the police or a Mobile Crisis Team passed before my eyes, I called the police each time. And she was arrested each time.
You see, as consumers we walk a very thin line. On one hand we want to be considered “normal” as we integrate ourselves into “sane” society. But on the other hand, if we respond in a negative manner, even if our reaction is warranted and comparable to the actions of a “sane” person, our behavior is most times attributed to our disability! Fortunately, due to my strict medication regimen, and my extensive use of the peers and staff of my support network and outpatient programs, I was able to weather my ex-girlfriend’s abuses—sometimes bruised, battered and bitten but relatively mentally and spiritually unscathed.
Instead of winding up in a prison cell or a locked psychiatric unit (which is harder to get out of than jail), I found support from various police officers, District Attorneys, and especially from agencies.
Some suggestions for other consumers that find themselves in a domestic violence situation:
Do Not Panic. By remaining calm, your chances of being taken seriously increase. (In one instance, when the responding police officers did nothing, the next day I went to the precinct and spoke to the domestic violence officers in a calm yet determined manner, and then corrective action was taken against her.)
Build a Paper Trail. Always insist on having the responding police officers complete a police report. Retain these reports for your records, and for future use.
Identify Yourself as a Mental Health Consumer. You have to feel out the situation about this. If the responding officers do not seem inclined to be helpful to you, this may be tricky, so use your own judgment.
Legally Protect Yourself. If you cannot readily relocate and must remain in the household, ask the District Attorney for a Limited Order of Protection; this is your written, legal protection from harassment, verbal abuse and physical assault if the domestic violence continues. And if the domestic violence does continue, the responding police officers, as a rule, should (and usually do) enforce this decree. And, as stated above, always retain this document for your records, and always know where it is (hide it, if necessary, from your assailant).
Utilize Your Support Network. Talk about what you are going through with your peers, counselor, case manager, therapist, psychiatrist, or staff members of your outpatient program, housing program or clubhouse. My supportive case manager (SCM) referred me to his agency’s housing program, and I was finally able to remove myself from the negative situation. Agencies such as Safe Horizon and Seamen’s Society for Children and Families may be able to refer you to a domestic-violence residence. This can prove invaluable, especially, if your only alternative is to live on the street or a city-run shelter; I do not recommend homelessness to anyone.
We, as consumers, have the right to live safe, productive, nonviolent lives. Don’t let anyone take this away from you. If one such as I can weather the system and recover from domestic violence, SO CAN YOU!