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It all started about 40 years ago, when I was just a young child. I’m speaking of the strange perceptions and eventual voices that were to follow. I have schizophrenia.
As a child, the floor would move up and down, making it difficult to balance. The light would become very bright or very dim. At times my arm or hand would feel disconnected. I would dissociate from my body, which I believe was due to past trauma. I would literally pass out cold due to anxiety-producing events. It was a nightmare. I was very paranoid, always believing people were watching me or out to harm me in some way. I believed at one point that aliens had implanted a device into my brain to monitor my every move.
It took me many years to find out what I was experiencing as a child. I was first misdiagnosed with epilepsy. For about 20 years, I was medicated heavily for seizures. At one point, I took up to 25 pills a day.
For 25 years, I was medicated for schizophrenia with a drug called Clozaril. I was simply a zombie. I had no feelings whatsoever, could not keep a conversation going, and slept most of the day. It is worth noting that the voices and paranoia continued even while taking the Clozaril.
The good news is this: after the 25 years of being a total zombie, my psychiatrist, a lady doctor, gave me a newer drug called Abilify that was the key factor in my recovery.
The Abilify was a miracle drug for me. After only four months, the drug began to take hold. The paranoia stopped. The voices went away. I quit dissociating from my body. The diabetes caused by Clozaril disappeared. I lost 80 pounds. I began to talk nonstop, because I had not spoken very much in such a long time. For four months I cried; I had not cried for almost 20 years. The feelings that had been repressed for so many years were all coming back in full force. I was actually beginning to feel emotions again.
After being disabled, not working or doing much of anything, I am now in the process of returning to work, hopefully in the mental health field where my life has brought me. I’m possibly going back to school. I was able to get my driver’s license back after that was taken from me because of the misdiagnosis of epilepsy. I now work with the youth at my church, and I am a member of the counseling team there. My life has turned out very nicely, all due to my faith in God, and Abilify.
I would not trade the experience of having schizophrenia, though, in any way, because it has made me a more compassionate and knowledgeable person. The schizophrenia actually gave me a voice to speak out with. We with schizophrenia need to voice our opinions as loudly as we can. I have a responsibility to society given to me by my experience to speak out on this subject.
So, recovery is possible. I am not saying that everyone with this disorder should take Abilify. Medication is different for everyone, but Abilify sure did help me recover to the point that I am fully functional, fully alive and full of God’s grace.