My only brother Barry died this past May by his own hand after several unsuccessful suicide attempts. He was 61 years of age. Many years ago, our father committed suicide when Barry was only nineteen, and more recently, our mother’s only brother also committed suicide.
Barry had been a successful entrepreneur who printed t-shirts and sold them in an open air market in New York. His business flourished in good times and slowed in poorer times, but Barry was truly devoted and grew to love selling t-shirts, and business in general.
The people at the market were like an extended family to him. He kibitzed with the vendors and the customers, oftentimes photographing them. He was an avid photographer and rarely went anywhere without one of his cameras.
Barry was married, and had a son, Jessie, whom he idolized. The two of them would go to movies together, buy comic books and had a friendly and loving relationship always. He became divorced from his wife, Donna, but in recent years they once again became closer, sharing holidays with each other and other family members.
Our father had bipolar disorder as do I and our sister Joyce. My father saw a psychiatrist, but developed bowel cancer in his fourth decade, which contributed to his emotional problems. Joyce began showing signs of the illness in her twenties after she was married and had two daughters with physical delays and emotional problems. She too had been divorced long ago. Joyce had been in and out of hospitals for many years. Our mother did as much as she could for Joyce, but as she grew older, Barry took on the responsibility of advocating for her and becoming her major caretaker after she moved to New York. He would buy her clothing, take her out to eat and let her stay at his place when she needed a change from the state hospital or group housing she was in at the time. She could be very difficult to deal with as she was a “rapid cycler” and it took many years to finally get her on a medication regime that seemed to work best.
I had periods of manic behavior but never realized it was an illness. I had a nervous breakdown in my late twenties, was hospitalized twice, and received many different medications, and two series of shock treatments. I am finally on a good combination of medications after having seen a total of about seven psychiatrists. I am married, and my husband James and I have two adult children, Diana and Jonathan.
When our father died, Barry took on the role of substitute father at the urging of our mother or as a promise to our father; I do not know which. After all, he was the only boy of the family. While we were growing up, our father was both mentally and physically abusive to Joyce and I. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry for about three hours every day after middle school because my home situation was so deplorable. I would also go in my bedroom and read the Bible. It seemed to comfort me and take my mind off my problems. Daddy also would chase me around the house with a knife on many occasions when I angered mother and she couldn’t cope with me. I would swiftly crawl underneath our camelback sofa when he wielded a strap. His wrath against me was so great.
After daddy died, Barry would beat me with a strap when mother called for him. He modeled his behavior after daddy’s. I’m sure he thought he was doing the right thing at the time by following the example father set. My self-esteem continued to plummet. I felt hated and as though I could do nothing right at home, I kept everything inside and told no one.
When Barry was in college, I was greatly relieved. Mother busied herself with our sister, Teri, who was seven years younger than I. I spent a lot of time at my girlfriends’ homes where I felt accepted and cared for, often eating and sleeping there. Their parents did not exhibit the behavior that I was used to at my house, and genuinely seemed to be loving and concerned about one another.
Barry had been in a relationship for about ten years. We didn’t realize until recently that there were a lot of problems between he and his girlfriend. He seemed to be withdrawing from all of us for a little over the past year, calling and visiting less, not wanting to attend family birthday celebrations as he had in the past, going out to eat less, becoming less social. He had lost his business and felt he would become destitute and homeless. He became much more irritable, which was totally out of character for him. Our brother was slipping away from us and only showed minute clues to each of us individually. Before we collectively put the pieces of the puzzles together, he had made his first unsuccessful attempt at suicide. His girlfriend was present and fortunately had the wherewithal to call an ambulance.
Barry went to a local hospital where he was admitted for 30 days. He regained some hope because he was told they would retrain him for a job. Later on during his admission, that avenue was never pursued. Different medications were tried, some of which were only slightly successful. Barry slept slightly better and regained some of his weight. Family members visited frequently. He was still despondent and hopeless. There were problems between him and his girlfriend while he was in the hospital.
This past Labor Day weekend, Teri, and Jesse came to Massachusetts for a visit. We hadn’t seen Jesse in many years. We are still trying to sort things out, trying to fit all the pieces of this jumbo, elusive puzzle. We all feel guilty that we failed our brother when he needed us the most. We mistakenly thought that he would be here forever to pick up the pieces, to be the strong one as he always had been. We should never have taken him for granted.
The other day we went to the cemetery with Jesse and Teri to the grave of our father and his parents. Jesse placed some of Barry’s ashes at the gravesite of daddy as well as on top of his headstone. We placed small granite stones from my house on the tops of both headstones as is a custom to show that we visited there. Jesse is going through Barry’s medical records currently. He is trying to understand and gain insight into what exactly happened. He has reunited with us so that he may come to know about his father and this side of the family better. Barry once told Jesse that suicide is the way people in our family handle things.