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Have I become complacent or am I truly disabled? I like to think that there is employment meant for me. Honestly, I am picky about the job I get—sure, I want it to be interesting, but above all I want it to be benign and un-intimidating. Social anxiety has plagued me all of my life, but schizophrenia has added a twist to the painful shyness; the element of delusion. There are times when I walk into a room and feel disoriented, confused, and unable to tell where I am.
I am writing this article not so much to share a past feeling but a recurring one. Fear is the biggest stumbling block to accomplishing regular employment or social success in my eyes. Since my first psychotic break revolved around thoughts that co-workers were conspiring to harm me, I found that I am still afraid of social situations and working amongst a group terrifies me as if I were in the movie The Firm. If this all seems very negative, it is, and I hope to get rid of these phobias of social persecution. I still feel a load of guilt for being an adult dependent on the government. This guilt does not outweigh my fears as I am not out there working.
I achieved a degree from Florida State University in Studio Art while in the throes of my illness, which was an enormous feat yet I am on medication and the anxiety and fear of people still get to me. I end up telling people about my condition prematurely so as to "excuse" my behavior. I have not decided yet if this is the right thing to do. I hope to provide a story here that others can at least relate to and know that they are not alone.
Back to the subject of work, I am lost and out of touch with the work-a-day world. Is there anyone who can give me some advice for being successful at a job and banishing fear? I may have an answer to my own question, but I welcome others too. One theory I have is to "be your insecurity” and let yourself be awkward, live in uncomfortable silences and tolerate clumsy social faux pas. What is the worst that can happen? Someone may not like me? Yes, then what? Oh no, they may insult me or ignore me? Is this so devastating? Yes. Must I be liked by everyone? Yes. Is this fear going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy? At times it is. “People are not gods,” as they say. “Do not let them rent space in your head,” as my mother always told me.
An excellent book that I may pick up for a second read about ten years later is the great Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts. This book led an awkward post-teen and art student into an exciting journey of self exploration, creativity, and liberation. Sadly, I took this book to extremes and became a god to myself in my new-found confidence and pride in conquering my social fears. I simply let myself be awkward, but found it thoroughly thrilling as I was under the sheltering guise of the eccentric artist.
It was okay to be weird. However, one does not have to develop an overblown ego for the courage to make an ass out of oneself. A mighty fall will come, but please don't add this to your list of phobias as I have. The courage to try again or to retread the ground where you once failed is worth a modest pat on the back or a hug from your best supporter.A start here is inspired! I wrote my way out and made a decision for once. My work can be worked on. Maybe I could try to use the old formula for success and read Wisdom of Insecurity again. This time might be different as I am older, wiser, and on medications.
What I have to say to you is, “do not be afraid to lose yourself or get carried away,” because, if you think about it, it was your mind's coping mechanism in the first place. The difference here is that you must simply always have a tether to reality, be it a friend, medication, or simply the memory of your past suffering to keep you from repeating your mistakes. I don't know that I've found my calling, but I have the desire to find it definitely.