I had a yoga teacher who said that everything you do, every action you commit, is stored as an ether imprint in space, or in other words, as part of your personal history. That is every action you take like saying hello to somebody on the street or as a schizophrenic might do, randomly talking to people in a crowded places. But we as normal people do that also in bars. Sometimes I lie awake at night and a memory will come to me of something I did when I was having an episode. I want to forget those memories, but alas, they are part of my footprint in life. I guess the trick is acceptance and forgiveness.
I remember in the early stages of my illness that my voices were telling me to visit my old co-worker at her office. When I found that she was not there that day, I went ahead and used her computer. Everyone in the office was surprised and annoyed. A couple of days later, I received a call from her, she told me never to come back. I never heard from her again. I was so embarrassed and mad at what my voices made me do, that I could not do anything to mitigate the shame I felt and, even up to today. I feel a pang in my heart from disrupting the work that day. I know I can never go back there or see those people again. I also know that what I did that day is not at the forefront of anyone’s mind except my mind, every once in a while, as I lie in bed and wait for sleep.
The more distance I have from the humiliating event, the more the severity of the pain lessens. With time, as much as I want those memories to disappear, they do not. However, they become the past that is no longer significant in my life. With time, I can look back on that painful experience and realize that it was all in my head. Or, everyone has forgotten that embarrassing moment by now. But it still lingers. I lie awake at night and remember what a regret. I am sorry to say that there is no magic pills that can wipe away all the memories I want to forget. But I get by and manage by creating better memories or forging new paths that are positive paths so that the negative ones drift away. And, most importantly, I forgive myself.
So, the trick is to accept and forgive yourself. Those words are timeless wisdom that I hear over and over again everywhere (even in fortune cookies), but they are as wise as the Dalai Lama. I accept that I have this quirkiness called schizophrenia that once caused abnormal behavior and I forgive myself for those outbursts because I have learned not to do them anymore. Sometimes I look back and remember those events as if they were the actions of an entirely different person. And then sometimes, I look back and I feel compassion for that person who did those things because she was not well. Today, I look around me and I see that I have created a circle of friends, many of whom know my illness. And now I do not feel so ashamed. I have created an environment where I can accept and forgive myself. It took me almost five years to build that environment. For some people, it takes only a year, but for me, I was not as lucky.
So really, the trick is: acceptence, forgiveness and to move on. Move on: because I cannot return to the time I was five and only knew happiness. Move on: because I do not want to return to the time when I was 28 and ruining friendships by showing up unannounced at inappropriate places. Move on: because now I learned to accept and forgive myself so I can create a better life.