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Ads touting new medications to treat the physical pain of depression have proliferated. Depression can hurt. Some of us have headaches or other pains in various parts of our bodies; others do not. Except for a chill that seems to come from the core of my bones, I am free from the physical pain of depression.
Ten years ago I experienced stiffness and tightness in my muscles. Pain soon followed. My skin became tender to the touch and seemed to burn. When I would awaken from a full night’s sleep, I was still tired and I could not find a place that did not hurt. Getting out of bed too quickly became difficult, as my legs would take turns slipping out from under me.
My gait became awkward and my balance was poor. Previously, I had been physically active and enjoyed hiking and riding horses. I was flummoxed. So were my doctors. I was x-rayed, scanned, had blood tests, and saw a neurologist. Needles were stuck into my muscles and an electric charge was applied. I had acupuncture with needles placed into my tender points and the needles were set aflame. I saw a chiropractor. I did not have Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, Lyme Disease, an infection, Multiple Sclerosis or any other diagnosis that seemed to fit my symptoms.
My cognitive ability started to slip. I was a librarian in a large and very active library. I was administering a federal grant that I had written. My job involved a great deal of walking. Working with the public required skill, tact, and an alert mind. My short-term memory disappeared. My relationships with peers and administration were stressed by my frequent absences from work. My body and mind were in revolt and I had no idea what was happening. I was probably depressed.
When my mysterious symptoms became severe I was frustrated by my inability to work or play. On my days off, I was not able to do the things that I enjoyed. When depressed, I had no interest in doing anything. I just wanted to be under warm blankets and dissolve into nothing. The emotional pain during my depressive periods was numbing. My interest in my family, food, work and my many hobbies was gone. My body lit on fire with pain. I wanted desperately to connect with work and people and to have my “real” life back.
After a five-year journey with my internist and various specialists, a rheumatologist correctly diagnosed me as having fibromyalgia. Having a name placed on my condition and a plan for treating it was an incredible relief. This emotion was short-lived.
There are a number of treatments for fibromyalgia, but a common drug treatment is the use of anti-depressants. My rheumatologist did not want to prescribe anti-depressants for me, as he was not trained to deal with patients who have manic-depression. My internist was emphatic about not messing with my medications and he believed that my symptoms were from my depression. My psychiatrist was not going to treat fibromyalgia because it was not his area of expertise.
Depression is often found among those with fibromyalgia and in many chronic illnesses such as arthritis and heart disease. Each insult to our body forces us to make changes in lifestyle. I went kicking, screaming, denying, and wailing toward acceptance. I was not depressed. I was crabby and hot with indignation.
Physical pain from depression is real and can be treated with a combination of therapies that may include medication. We must be alert when it comes to our physical and emotional symptoms of depression. We must make sure that the proper illness is being treated. There is still a tendency to treat mental health consumer’s physical problems as symptoms of their mental illness. Find doctors who see you as more than a mental health consumer. I now have new physicians who see me and work with me as a person and not as the sum of my diagnostic codes. I still have pain and problems with my manic-depression. I no longer ride horses but instead adopt homeless horses and help care for them. When I am depressed, I lean into their warm bodies and they help melt the ice away.