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I wrote an article a while back about woe is me and I had some problems and such—all schizo-related and some very deep self-esteem issues. Schizophrenia can take a toll on your self-esteem and it is hard to bounce back as people either have delusions of grandeur or have delusions of persecution or both. I had imagined that I was infamous, but liked by a certain crowd of rebels. I had a peculiar and strange self-image being both persecuted and loved at the same time. I had pitied myself as the unsung underdog. But that is far into the past now.
I have been on medication for some time and all of this romantic drama is far from my conscious living from day-to-day. Working still at this point of recovery still seemed like an overwhelming feat. I am proud to announce, and this time it feels right, that I have found a niche as far as a legitimate job, possibly a career in sales of all freaking things! I am an artist by craft and natural ability, but have found a job selling someone else's art to commercial and residential clients. It must be said though that I have found a very encouraging boss who doesn't even know that I have schizophrenia. This encouragement is vital to my success.
My boss, a woman old enough to be my mother, has taken me under her wing and has truly accepted me as both a human being and an employee. Now it doesn't mean she won't get mad at me if I screw up, but it helps to soften the critical moments for all her praise and encouragement. She has described me as a delicate butterfly and that I have a very soft and engaging quality about me as I do my selling pitch. This is incredible when you consider the nerves and knots I have in social situations. My secret? Well, it's a lot of things.
I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder that was causing intense staring episodes so I was put on a drug called Lamictal, a drug for both seizures and bipolar disorder. It has been about two weeks and I have had only one staring episode as opposed to six or seven in two weeks. As you can imagine this drug is freeing me to do the things I would like.
Before Lamictal, any little stress would throw me into a staring episode. Today, that is not the case. I attribute the working relationship I have with my boss and the other factors to my success. One experience that you can put on your resume is your time in battle in the war in your head. By this I mean that it is an incredibly humbling and humanistic experience because your world revolves around thoughts of all kinds and your mind is racing with craziness and misery. You seem to be an open-nerve, exposed to the air as far as psychic pain goes. If this does not break you, it will make you!
You are the product of your experiences no matter who you are and schizophrenia is a test of your mettle. With all of this said, I believe that my softness is actually my "selling point," not something to be criticized or to be scoffed at. The tortoise wins the race over the aggressive and overly confident rabbit—not necessarily, but spiritually. Now, watch out, I may be overriding my humble state so catch my fire and find your own niche.