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The question here is really whether "to deny, or accept" your diagnosis as someone with schizophrenia. Beyond that, this question will quickly pose another one for you: "to openly disclose, or to hide" your illness. Personally, I have accepted my diagnosis and have openly disclosed my illness. I know I am doing the right thing for me. Now you need to decide what is best for you. New York City Voices hopes that through this "First Break" column I will be able to help you and your family members make these decisions. I did not easily come to them myself, and I will begin this column by sharing the process I have gone through.

In future columns, I invite you who have experienced "first breaks" and your family members to ask questions and even write about your own personal experiences in this column, whether you do so openly or anonymously. Psychiatrists, social workers, and researchers are also invited to be guest writers of this column. Please call me at (212) 757-1350 and leave your name and telephone number, mentioning you would like to contribute to the column, or e-mail me at FirstBreak@newyorkcityvoices.com.

My story of first accepting and then openly disclosing myself as a paranoid schizophrenic begins, as most do, with total denial and not even a thought of openly disclosing my dreaded psychiatric illness with anyone, let alone an audience as large as that of ABC's World News Tonight.

When I was first diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic in July 1998 -- a mere year and a half ago -- I wouldn't even consider accepting this as my fate. Even though the first medication worked and stopped my voices and delusions, I shortly demonstrated I didn't want to have anything to do with the disease or the medicine. I stopped taking it. In a week's time I was taken by police escort to an ambulance and hospitalized, put in a seclusion room upon arrival and prepared for a month's stay at Montefiore. My previous visit had only been two weeks.

During this second 30 day stay, two overriding facts became clear: my life would never be the same again; and I had a choice of living out of control with the disease or managing the illness with the medicine. Risperdal seemed the better choice and as I have become accustomed to the medicine and the dose has been fine-tuned, I can honestly say that I made the right decision. My life is beginning to return to normal.

Openly disclosing my illness, something I could otherwise hide from the public, came suddenly due to my relationship with the publisher of New York City Voices who's "been there, done that" and knows that openly discussing your illness is one powerful medicine all by itself. In previous issues of New York City Voices (see: First Break) I have actually used my open disclosure as a therapeutic way of communicating with my family, doctors and colleagues. Writing can express things to people we never would say out loud. But the foremost reason I continue to openly talk about my illness is because I know I am helping others by telling my story. I have spoken to mothers whose children have had recent "first breaks" like mine and I have even been a guest speaker about this subject at universities, conferences and before consumer and family groups.

So, how about you? I'm organizing a new First Break Group this year. Interested? Call me at (212) 757-1350 or email me at FirstBreak@newyorkcityvoices.com. I'm starting a new online First Break Group too. So, if you've got Internet access let me know you're interested. Also, I hope many of you will write about your own "First Break" experiences in this column: submit your story to New York City Voices, P.O. Box 2618, Grand Central Station, NY, NY 10163.