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I will like to share another side to my road to recovery. This story revolves my inner dark side of mental illness. This story is a unforgettable picture of the horrors and reality of years of confinement in a mental facility.

Back in 1975, I was thirteen years old and was in the eighth grade, I was barely in class although I was rebellious. I committed a juvenile offense by setting a few fires in the school during session. I was handcuffed and taken to court and signed by court order to be in psychiatric observation. The staff automatically started pumping heavy dosages of psychotropics in me. I wanted out because my brother was getting married in July 1975. Although the doctors wanted to transfer me to a State Facility involuntary. I manage to attend my brother's wedding.

Later, I had involved myself to more juvenile offenses mainly on more arson related incidents. I also had a lot of assault incidents. So I ended up in Woodfield Detention Center, a secure facility for juvenile offenders. Then I was transferred upstate to a secure state school, Tryon School, a Juvenile Reform. I ended up in Dutchess County Jail for assaulting staff and writing threatening notes to the psychiatrist. I was physically restrained many times in straight jackets and full restraints tied to the bed. I always was in seclusion usually three times a week.

I was always angry, violent and agitated. I was sent to Mid-Hudson Psychiatric Center because I was classified as a danger to patients and staff. Mid-Hudson was a Maximum Secure Psychiatric Facility. I was restrained at times by men when I was out of control. I was allowed to call my family once a week (15 minutes approx). I was transferred to other facilities such as Middletown State Hospital, Harlem Valley Psychiatric Center.

Everything was a very frustrating experience of survival. In the year 1990, I was discharged into the community. In 1988, I gave birth to a baby boy while I was an inpatient in Harlem Valley Psychiatric Center; I was 26 years old, the father, also a patient, was 53 years old. The hospital had me sign my baby over to State's Children's Services.

Now I live in my own apartment for going on six years (without psychiatric hospitalization). My past psychotic horrifying experiences finally faded away. I'm a new and improved schizophrenic. My schizophrenia played a great part of mind altering behavior revolving within my psychotic episodes. Something I really don't like to reminisce. I do continue my therapy and medication and take each day one day at a time. Everyday I focus on a big picture of The Serenity Prayer hanging in my apartment. That prayer gives me the courage to proceed my everyday routine.