Mania is about desperately seeking to live life at a more passionate level, taking second and sometimes third helpings on food, alcohol, drugs, sex and money, trying to live a whole life in one day. From phone sex lines to fraud on a massive scale, I will do anything to keep the high going. One minute I am a public relations genius, the next a convicted art fraudster. Sometimes I am a faithful loving partner and then the compulsive thrill seeker.
Electroboy is the chronicle of my battle with manic depression or bipolar disorder-the euphoric highs and the desperate lows. I was unsuccessful on any regimen of medication. With no hope of my condition stabilizing, I turned to the last resort: electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) also known as electroshock therapy.
The following are excerpts from my book:
April 9, 1995
It's the middle of the day. Perfect weather. I'm taking a walk up Madison Avenue. I'm in front of Barneys. My skin starts tingling, and I feel as if my insides are spilling onto the sidewalk. Everything moves in slow motion. I can't hear. The taxis driving by are a blur of yellow. I rush home and curl up in my empty bathtub in my jeans and black turtleneck. I lie still for hours. I'm cold. Barefoot. Nothing seems to be working for me. Not the lithium, not the depakote, not the wellbutrin. I'm ashamed and frightened that the manic-depression is growing wildly out of control. It feels like somebody is pouring cement into my skull. Nobody can help me. The next episode is going to kill me. I can't make it go away. I'm trying to ease the pain from the most recent plunge. The bathtub is too small and hard for me, but I feel safe here. I call Dr. Fried and explain that I'm in serious trouble and need help. I need relief from the pain. She tells me to be at her office at 5:00 p.m. and to ask my parents to come with me. I call my parents and wait for them to pick me up.
We arrive at Dr. Fried's office early and sit in the waiting room until she finishes with her last patient. We're all scared to death. Dr. Fried brings us into her office and begins by telling us that we have tried every possible combination of medication available and my condition has still not been stabilized; I have reached a critical stage. So I ask the question about the last resort-ECT. Dr. Fried has mentioned ECT before, but she has always been very much against treating me with it because of the side effects, particularly memory loss… Dr. Fried explains that ECT is used to treat depression, manic depression, mania, and schizophrenia and that it causes a seizure in the brain by passing a mild electric current through the head. She tells us one of the main criticisms is that there is no convincing scientific explanation of how it works, only a number of unsubstantiated theories… It's the controversial brain-damage theory, which postulates that the shock from ECT literally causes brain damage, creating for the patient the illusion of mental stability. Brain damage scares the shit out of me. Am I going to become a permanent zombie, forced to return to the suburbs to live with my parents?.. I don't like the sound of the brain-damage theory, but what other choice do I have? My situation has now become so critical that I have nothing left to consider. ECT is really my only possibility. I say I'm so desperate that I'll do it because I have nothing to lose at this point.
Dr. Fried refers us to a well-respected specialist, Dr. Charles Wallenstein. I feel if I make the decision to go ahead and have the ECT, I will no longer be responsible for having the manic depression-that I will have chosen the most barbaric treatment and in return will be relieved of the burden of responsibility for having this illness…
The next afternoon we meet Dr. Wallenstein in his Park Avenue office. He's a tall, lanky man in his sixties with a soothing voice. He reminds me of my childhood pediatrician, and I feel at ease with him right away. He tells us he has reviewed my case with Dr. Fried and he feels strongly that I am a good candidate for electroshock therapy and that it will improve my condition... There is something about ECT that sounds adventurous, like a scary ride at an amusement park, and even glamorous-I am reminded of celebrities like Vivien Leigh, Gene Tierney, Frances Farmer, and Ernest Hemingway, who were locked up in insane asylums and jolted… We're about to make a decision together about my having electroshock therapy the next day at Gracie Square Hospital, and we know very little about it. It's as if I'm being asked something as simple as how much milk I want in my coffee. Just a drop, please. I'm so dulled that I can't even feel how frightened I really am….
Published by Random House, Electroboy has already gone into its second printing. You can visit Electroboy at his website www.electroboy.com or email him directly at electroboy@electroboy.com.