Email | Print

There are times in my life when I go to a dark place. I find it hard to run or hide from this symptom that feels like it controls my life. It's called self-mutilation or cutting. It's part of my and others diagnosis called borderline personality disorder (BPD). Cutting is when you feel an urge to cut different places on your body. In my case, it's my arms and legs. I remember being depressed at a very young age. At age eight-years-old, I cut myself for the first time. I was very alone in my pain and no one noticed my scar. But, even at that very young age, after I cut, I felt a sense of relief. For a while I was able to block out everything and just feel free. Even today, I still feel a need to comfort myself. Now that I'm older I must find other outlets for my pain. It's something that's going to take a lot of work and therapy. Several years ago, I went to a program at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. They taught other ways to handle my cutting urges. Some of these ways were to use ice on the part of the body where you wish to cut like taking a nice hot shower or bubble bath, or other ways.

I found these activities to be useful, however when I left the Columbia program, I lost some of what I had learned. Cutting oneself can be dangerous. You could cut so deep you could hit an artery or need stitches. Many times I have cut deeply. I went too far. It can be a really scary experience. I'm writing this article so that others can be made more aware of such self-destructive behavior. And, to let others out there know that they are not alone.

A lot of professionals don't know a lot about self-mutilation, and often equate it to suicidal urges. They figure if you're cutting yourself, you must be suicidal. This is not often the case. I have cut myself many times and I was not suicidal. There is a lack of understanding and doctors are all too willing to put you away in a hospital. What we need rather than another hospitalization is guidance and understanding. More and more books and articles are coming out on this topic and need to be read carefully. My family has no understanding of my need to cut myself. They see the scars, but are indeed blind to them. They look the other way.

I've found caring and understanding among the supportive staff and clients at St. Vincent's Hospital. Without them, I would have thought that I was alone in my pain. I'm still struggling with this problem, and I want to work on other ways to relieve myself other than cutting. I just have to take it slowly. One day at a time. I found some other books and articles that can be useful for anyone who cuts themselves, or for others who want to understand this symptom.