"Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the "present."
-Unknown
The summer after I turned 13 I entered the eighth grade with a grandiose and very irritable attitude. I had intentions of passing my classes with flying colors; in October I received unsatisfactory comments from almost all of my teachers. My problems in school were escalating and my grades were quite erratic. In November there were basketball tryouts and I became the first eighth grader in my school to make the high school team. Early in the season I earned a starting position and was a high scorer. I had energy, attitude, and I fought hard on the court. Basketball was a game I loved-and I was good at it.
The ninth grade was no different and in the tenth grade my life seemed to have just shattered. In the fall I was chosen to co-captain the volleyball team and I did a miserable job at it. I was bossy, irritable and insensitive. I rolled my eyes at the bad passes and I refused to listen to either my teammates or my coach. By the end of the season I was stumbling downhill. I had begun to isolate myself, my eating habits changed and I quit the basketball team. For months I struggled to get out of bed in the morning and many days I didn't make it to school. I just couldn't snap out of it.
I have a severe form of manic-depression-one that affects all aspects of my life. I've had this illness since I was five, although it went mistreated for many years. My illness had caused many relationships to deteriorate. I've been asked if I do illicit drugs, I've gone on wild shopping sprees, I've gone weeks without sleep, I've landed in the throes of psychosis numerous times and I've contemplated suicide. I've spent months in the hospital and have been on trials of over 17 different medications in more than twenty combinations. Finally, after a frightening manic-depressive and psychotic episode over spring break one year, I tapered off all my current meds and began a new regiment of lithium carbonate and an antipsychotic.
Months after stabilization with lithium carbonate, I began to pack my bags and head off to college- a goal I never believed I could achieve. I also stayed close to home, approximately one hour away by train. My biggest fear was how I would thrive when manic-depression was packed away, knowing that not even the Jaws of Life could pry it out. Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone to tell me how to prepare for the college environment, I would write about what I wished I had learned before leaving. Sadly, I started college with two devastating events. The first one were the attacks of September 11th. A month later I lost a close friend to cancer. I almost failed two classes miserably because of previously ignored learning disability components and I thought I would never succeed academically at college. Now, halfway through the second semester of my freshman year, I am beginning to decide what path I want to take in life. I plan on picking up classes that I previously dropped, I'm enjoying the company of the closest friends I've ever made and I'm taking it day by day with my illness. I've also learned a lot about what information all bipolar college students should have at their fingertips.
Medic Alert
The Medic Alert Foundation is helpful and provides comfort. I wear a Medic Alert bracelet for lithium, which can have many dangerous side effects and can interact with many drugs. This bracelet informs important medical personnel what I take, who to call in the event of an emergency and to check for a lithium level. Wearing this bracelet helps me to feel safer and although this may not be the choice for everyone, I have felt that its benefits are worthwhile, especially when living on my own.
Housing
The housing policy is different at every college and university. As a freshman, students are only allowed single rooms for medical reasons. Some will say that a bipolar student should have a roommate to prevent isolation. However, I convinced my doctors to think otherwise and there are many good reasons why singles are more helpful, especially when a regular sleeping schedule is key for mood stabilization. I live in a single, I made friends immediately and although my mania has been destructive in the past, the remains of a slight hypomanic state have served as a very good icebreaker and catalyst to conversation.
Packing
Although I cannot get into specifics because the list would run too long, I can give some tips. A bright room can make all the difference and many lights can help to make the room livelier. A television can be entertaining, but can also isolate and distract. I had my television taken out of my room in the second semester to free me from distraction. Ask your doctor for extra lab slips if you need regular blood tests done. Also, keep your medication in a safe place, monitor how much you have and when you need to get refills. Never let yourself run out of meds! Names and Numbers
When moving onto campus, it is important to be familiar with some important people that could at some point be of great use. Such people may include the director of psychological services, director of health services and dean of educational services.
To Tell or Not To Tell
I have to admit that this is the trickiest part of having a serious mental illness. There is still a stigma attached to mental illness, but like the diabetic, you have the responsibility to take care of yourself. I have kept it relatively simple. I wear a bracelet in case of any emergency, I tell what medications I take only to those who need the information and I've told my best friends. Also, without using specifics, I've told people I work closely with that I take medications that have certain negative effects.
Testing
Not all, but many manic-depressives have comorbid anxiety disorders and exhibit ADD symptoms. This can pose a huge threat in the classroom, more so on an exam day. In college the stress level only rises and for many students it is beneficial to have documentation in the dean's office stating that you have special needs. I, for example, am given a private room to be free of outside stimuli. I also have extended time to mitigate anxieties about having to finish at a certain time. You can contact psychological services or the dean of educational services for further information.
Course Loads
I'm as obstinate as they come, a quality that is both a blessing and a curse. When it was time to register for first semester classes I was warned that I was getting myself in too deep with my ambitious selection and I would come to regret it. Knowing what I know now, I probably would not have chosen the classes I did. Before officially registering, speak to many people and take their advice into consideration. Sometimes they're more knowledgeable than you may think and overloading on courses could be our manic side of the brain registering.
Making A Schedule
I live by a schedule and lists. It provides order in a life that can be very disorganized. My schedule creates structure but also allows for flexibility for activities that I also enjoy. It is also helpful if periodically throughout the week I sit down and make lists of upcoming projects due and errands I need to take care of. I make prioritized lists of nightly assignments and the allotment for which I will give each one. It may be helpful to make a list of distractions and post them someplace where you will not miss them. Beside each distraction, write a way in which this distraction can be avoided. Think of a few "rewards" for yourself when you have completed your work successfully and have done well on papers and exams. Such rewards for myself that I've given are extra time to be creative in my journal, time to go to the pool and swim a few laps, a trip to Barnes and Noble, etc.
The Social Life
Each college has its individual reputation for social life. However, this does not mean that you must follow with the norm. For example, I don't like loud atmospheres and choose to be in a quieter environment enjoying activities that make me feel happy and good about myself.
Therapeutic Ways To Deal-what some do, what YOU can do
Unfortunately, manic-depressives can get so strung out by their illness that they go to great extremes and hurt themselves to release the emotional pain and frustration in their lives. It is therefore not surprising that so many bipolar adolescents cut themselves, have eating disorders, or abuse alcohol and drugs. With time I have learned that there are safer and more productive ways to deal with my life. For me, the hard part is slowing down soon enough and not allowing myself to get into a danger zone. It can be difficult, but training yourself to know when to slow down and do something more therapeutic for yourself is important. For example, if you feel you are about to hurt yourself in any way make an agreement with yourself and maybe someone else that you will have a safer alternative. I once learned that it is progress, not perfection and I live by that phrase. Find something you love and stick to it. Always have a backup plan. For me, I have created my own kind of art therapy journal; I also like to go to the athletic center or get involved with volunteering.
Parents!
Parents can often be beside themselves when their bipolar teen goes off to college and cannot be monitored like at home. My advice to a bipolar teen's parent is to not neglect your teenager, no matter how many times he or she tells you to back off. However, do not smother him or her. Check in periodically and be alert for changes you may sense. Talk to your child when he or she is stable and ask how he or she would like to be treated and what you can do to help manage this illness. Give your child control over his or her treatment and to be the judge of what is working and what is not. Let your child be responsible for filling medication and for how to be responsible with it. It might also help to make a deal that you will only interfere under certain circumstances. Thus, a common ground is set.
Last Words
To say that you are not alone is very cliché. It also lacks meaning because we struggle with a mental illness that has such stigma attached to it. However, there are some people out there who you can turn to, like doctors, therapists, maybe even a support group. Sometimes though, best friends cannot always understand and may shy away or change the topic because they do not know how to react. So if you confide in friends and they don't act the way you'd like, it's most likely because they don't know how to act, not because they don't want to be there for you. The best thing you can do with friends is let them know that you are willing to answer any questions about your illness that they may have and understand if they can't be there for you in the way that you want them to be. And on a final note, keep in mind something I remind myself of all the time: I know it's not my fault that I'm bipolar and it's not my fault if I have a relapse, but it is my fault if I don't do everything in my power to prevent a relapse. Try to avoid caffeine, sugar and alcohol. Maintain a regular sleep schedule, exercise, enjoy the company of newly made friends, take your medication and don't lose contact with your doctors.