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I graduated at the top of my high school class of 350 students. I also graduated with honors from the University of Illinois at Urbana, Champaign, with a degree in English Literature. During my college years I volunteered and worked extensively, including a business reporter internship at the Rockford Register Star. I had originally planned to go to medical school immediately after graduation. When I failed to achieve sufficient scores on the MCAT, a test for medical school, I was primed for a breakdown.

I didn't have a job following graduation. Fortunately for me, I earned a fellowship in news writing and editing at the Poynter Institute for Media Studies in St. Petersburg, Florida. While extremely enjoyable and educational, the fellowship lasted only six weeks. I returned home again with no job. I resorted to employment beneath my qualifications, such as working as a pharmacy technician, and as an orthodontic assistant.

My mother invited me to go with her to Taiwan to visit relatives, and seek job opportunities. While I was in Taiwan, I felt my relatives didn't like me. I couldn't fit in no matter how hard I tried and I couldn't find a job. My mother took me to a psychiatrist who wanted to put me on Risperdal, but I refused. I did not want to have a mental illness.

By the time I returned to the States, I was suffering a nervous breakdown.

I felt physically unwell. I couldn't even smile, sit or sleep. I would pace at night in a stupor. I could not imagine the feeling of being happy. Things I used to enjoy-jogging, visiting friends, and listening to music-were no longer enjoyable. I told myself that if this was how I was going to feel for the rest of my life, I didn't want to live. Hopelessness overcame my thoughts. I soon asked my mother to take me to see the best psychiatrist we could find in town.

We went to a doctor at the Janet Wattles Center. He asked many questions and diagnosed me immediately with major depression with psychotic features. "Psychotic features" are confused, disoriented, and strange thoughts. He gave me a choice, either a heavier dose of medicine or a lesser dose to minimize side effects. I chose the heavier dose instantly. I wanted to get better fast. Several weeks after I started taking the medications, I smiled for the first time.

I was highly motivated to get better. I still did not want to accept my mental illness. I wanted to feel better because I was feeling miserable. I was active in my treatment. Before doctor visits, I wrote lists of questions to ask. When I joined Intensive Day Treatment (IDT), I asked many questions, offered answers, and socialized during breaks. I enjoyed feeling like I was getting along with the clients and staff members.

A client in IDT introduced me to the Silver Lining Clubhouse, a psychosocial rehabilitation program of Janet Wattles. It offered clerical, housekeeping, and kitchen work units where clients could learn or regain vocational skills. The clerical unit gave me the chance to use my writing skills for the clubhouse's newsletter. By practicing these skills, I was ready for a job search after several months. Janet Wattles assigned me a job coach. His encouragement was most helpful. I loved his cheerleading on my behalf to employers, and building my self-esteem.

My job coach told me about an opening at Stepping Stones for a consumer representative. I was excited; however, I was also skeptical because I had applied for many jobs that seemed right up my alley without any responses. I sent my resume and was called the following day for an interview. I practiced for my interview with my job coach like it was a test.

At Stepping Stones I interviewed with the CEO, the psycho-social rehabilitation coordinator, and a consumer. The interview went well, and the CEO told me he was impressed with my presentation. I was called a week later for a second interview with a group of Stepping Stones' clients. At the interview, I smiled frequently and consciously tried to be nice. A few hours later I got a call telling me I had been unanimously selected by the clients for the job. I was thrilled! I was gung ho about my job and conveyed it to the clients in my clubhouse, most of whom liked me.

I was walking on air for several months, getting to know people and becoming involved in organizations like the Consumer/Family Forum (CFF). The CFF's mission is to better the lives of people with mental illness through advocacy and education. I was elected Vice-Chair of the CFF, eventually served as the spring conference chair, and currently serve as chair.

I also had an active personal life. I exercised regularly at the Y, played volleyball, and met my boyfriend, an athlete. Looking back, I don't know how I did everything I did, especially on my medications. I was on enough medications to subdue a horse, but I guess my enthusiasm overcame everything.

I now see a private psychiatrist through Stepping Stones' health insurance. While I'm still grateful for and blessed with my work, I have had some problems, and for a brief time I was seeing a psychologist. Since Zyprexa caused me to become too drowsy, while at work, my doctor prescribed Risperdal, which decreases the drowsiness during the day. I am fairly happy to be on it although it makes me tired early in the evening.

The story of my recovery has a silver lining. I have worked as a consumer representative for three years, the longest I have been able to hold a job. I have published my story in various publications including the National Mental Health Association's Consumer Supporter News and the Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal. I was a finalist for the Paul G. Hearne Leadership Award from the American Association of People with Disabilities. I received a full scholarship to attend the National Mental Health Association's Clifford Beers Conference. I truly enjoy this career and the consumers I have met, many of whom I consider to be like my friends. I have moved into my own apartment and my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years.