I looked forward to working at "X", a national book store chain with a mixture of fear, hope, and gritty determination. Fear that I would fail at this job like I did in the past. Hope that I was strong enough to hold a possibly stressful job. Gritty determination which for me was a belief that I had to make it in spite of my fears and doubts.
I had in the last few years adopted a Zen like attitude to stressful situations which meant just trying to handle the actual event without any negative mental baggage. This generally allowed me to get through stressful situations. I was greatly aided in my new attitude by a newly found religious faith. This was bolstered by a sense of confidence that I gained from meditation, hiking, and involvement in various causes including the Morningside-Westside Bulletin. In order to get the job, I had to pass a test and two interviews. I had to make a limited disclosure of my mental illness since I used Ken Steele as a reference since I was serving as Associate Editor of the Morningside-Westside Bulletin. The person who hired me never mentioned anything about it.
I was hired as a bookseller. In addition to stocking and selling books, I had to work the information computers and cash registers. I have minimal brain dysfunction which means practically that I have trouble performing fine motor skills especially under stress.
I had to learn to use a mouse for Windows, this gave me great trouble at first and I feared that my inability to do fine motor skills would cost me this job as it had in the past. But nothing of the sort happened, I was taken off regular training and was given extra help to learn the mouse, which I did. I was offered the chance to work on the computer without using the mouse. But, I felt if the job called for using a mouse, I would learn to use it. For much of my life, I shied away from challenges, especially fine motor ones. I was steered with my consent to do purely intellectual work.
When I began overcoming my stress, I recognized that dealing with challenges successfully gave me a feeling of self confidence. The job of bookseller would definitely bolster this.
I saw that I could handle a high stress job that involved a heavy use of fine motor skills. I began to feel that I could handle a far higher degree of stress than I thought before. I found I had to work at a job that in some way I believed in and I was valued at. I need as well a sense of community and a certain degree of closeness with at least some of my co-workers. The job's stressful conditions dealing with customers created a strong bonding among the workers.
This sense of bonding became even stronger, disgusted by low pay and the increasing pettiness of management. A number of workers including myself decided to form a union. The union brought out a degree of strength that I did not think I possessed. I helped organize support for the union, for the election, helped write articles for the union newsletter, and served on the bargaining committee that got a contract.
I knew that as a college educated bookseller with a good work record, I could have entered management eventually. By becoming a union militant I foreclosed that option. It was the most morally satisfying thing that I had ever done.
For health reasons, I had to leave the job. I left with the warmest wishes of my co-workers who gave me a wonderful cookbook that I greatly enjoy. I have achieved a great measure of peace about myself and a good measure of confidence in my future.