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I love being in my forties. I love being in recovery.

I love all the possibilities that having the desire to re-invent my life, sometimes on a daily basis, offers.

I am an ex-offender faced with the challenge of becoming a productive member of society. I am dually diagnosed with bi-polar disorder with psychotic features and with the disease of addiction.

Last week I received an e-mail announcing the suicide of a woman like me in her forties, bi-polar, with a family who supported her and working as a psychotherapist. This reality has touched many in about as many ways as I have moods. I need to stress the word REALITY. I'm angry and I'm afraid.

A year ago I came to a point in my life where I had this very empowering awakening. It became obvious to me that "I am where I am because this is where I choose to be." I am not responsible for my genetic makeup. However, I am very responsible for what I do with this knowledge and how I take care of myself knowing that these illnesses can be life threatening. They certainly have been life-robbing.

Often I have focused on my addiction-either serving it or treating it-and ignored other issues. Or I would treat the mental illness but not the addiction. Recovery in either area for me has always remained elusive and unobtainable until I sought simultaneous treatment.

Without the desire to change, these diseases are untreatable. I had to come to a point where my disgust had become overwhelming and I had total and complete fear of the consequences of my actions-the wreckage of my life, the lives of those around me, and those who loved me.

Am I responsible? Am I response-able? Ignorance is no longer bliss. Can I attribute how I think to mental illness or to my addiction? Are my errors in thinking learned? This I do not know.

I do know my personality or individual style dictates my thoughts; in turn, how I feel; and then, in turn, my behavior and as a result, consequences. Anyone in their right mind would have a healthy fear of hurting themselves, destroying their families, and suffering the consequences of bad behavior.

So that brings me back to "right mind." Do I have the power to make good choices…well, yes. Am I really evil when I make bad choices or am I sick? This is what goes on in my head all the time.

Do I get lazy and say I'm sick, throw in the towel and seek comfort under the blanket of illegal drugs. That's what addicts do. I am an addict (a bi-polar addict). Do I enjoy the comfort and euphoria of mild mania or sometimes the comfort of feeling sorry for myself in mild depression? Do I play with the danger of ignoring my mood swings?

I don't dare. My life depends on it. I fight for my life on a daily basis. I want my life back or at least the power to control its destiny without stigma. It's about choices and changes. I totally enjoy turning the negatives into positives by "coming out" with the truth of my illness and addiction. By sharing it in meetings of recovery, I find relief. I grow. I go to the same lengths for wellness as I went to get drugs. Another significant growth process for me was connecting to my "gayness." I have been queer ever since I was 12. But I related over the years as being just very "sexual." I never limited myself to anything when it came to sex. I never identified with any one group. When I realized how dysfunctional I was in relationships, I had to take another look at myself. Coming out as a lesbian has empowered me as a woman to take back control of my own life. I now validate myself internally and by how I live. I am in a relationship with myself. And I love me. I'm learning to. I've found support from other recovering addicts, especially through LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) groups. Our community offers understanding, growth, support and just plain old fun in so many areas of my life. It has been a major force in helping put the pieces of my broken life back together.

The first and most important steps for me toward total overall wellness were: 1) abstinence from drugs; 2) taking prescribed medications (compliance); 3) action: being involved and experimenting with healthy ideas. I replace the old patterns and habits with new challenging ones.

The quality of life I lead is my responsibility. Fact is: I can die. Or I can burden society in its prison system. I search for a meaningful productive place to fit in daily. I am remorseful and I seek forgiveness. I embrace my pain and I embrace my happiness. I share my experience. And the truth is I have always been my harshest judge. Editor's Note: Debbie Keesler shares her recovery as a member of SpeakOUT: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Voices for Recovery. SpeakOUT, a program of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center in New York City, is committed to providing peer support and advocacy for community members in recovery from all forms of addiction. For more than four years, the Center and its SpeakOUT program have been a leader in providing educational forums, recovery support, advocacy, and visibility to combat the multiple layers of stigma attached to recovery and addiction within the LGBT community and the larger recovery community.