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"Are you gay?" Many of us would rather have a loaded gun pointed at us than have someone ask us that question. It can be almost as nerve-wracking to ask that question of yourself. Sex and sexuality make almost everybody anxious and confused. How do you decide if you are gay? I have a simple answer: "slowly!" When you are thinking about this question, or any other question that has to do with your happiness, you deserve to take your time and find your own way.

I'm writing this column for people who are wondering about their sexuality, and for people who may have already decided that their sexuality is lesbian, gay, or bisexual. In future columns I'll also be talking about the many ways that we can have masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves. When someone has a very strong experience of themselves that doesn't fit with the male or female body they were born with, we say they are "transgender." This is a feeling that many of us find very difficult to imagine, but for some people it is very real. Some transgender people change the way they act, the way they look, or the way they dress, in order to feel more comfortable in the world. They may even change their bodies by taking hormones or having surgery. I'm writing this column for all those people too.

But I don't only want to talk to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, because my basic message, which applies to every one of you, is that you deserve to take your time and find your own way. You deserve to find your own way in deciding whom you love, and whether you want to love anybody at all. You deserve to find your own way in making decisions about your gender and your sexuality. You deserve to find your own way in thinking about sexual safety and protecting yourself and other people from getting HIV.

I believe that you have the wisdom and intuition to recognize your own way when you find it. This doesn't mean that you should act on every impulse you ever have. But it does mean that when we try to bring the wisest and healthiest parts of ourselves together with the parts of ourselves that sometimes confuse or frighten us, we can become better, healthier and saner people. That's what I'll be talking about here, in this and future columns. If you have any thoughts or questions about this, please write to me at directorrainbow@aol.com.

So how do you decide if you are gay? You listen to your heart and that takes time. Listen to your secret thoughts and your desires and your dreams. Let yourself notice other people; let yourself be attracted to people; let yourself have a crush on someone. Just let yourself accept these feelings without worrying what, if anything, you're going to do about them.

Okay—so maybe you're attracted to men, or maybe you're attracted to women, or maybe you like some of each. Maybe you're emotionally attracted to some people and sexually attracted to others. Now what on earth do you do with that information, if anything? Stay tuned. That'll be the topic of my next column.