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If you get a negative reception to disclosing your sexuality or your gender identity to a therapist, psychiatrist or social worker like, “You mean you’re one of those?” or “Hmmm, how long have you felt this way?” or “Do you think this might be some kind of phase?” or “Do you see your sexuality as another aspect of your mental illness?” You have the right to say, “I don’t think I’m going to be able to work with you.” “I’d like you to refer me to someone who can be supportive of me.” Your therapist has the duty to do this if you ask. If you don’t immediately get a helpful response to that request, ask to speak to the director of the clinic.

You have the right to a supportive therapist and psychiatrist. Your sexuality is not a mental illness. If your therapist is homophobic or transphobic, you have the right to complain. Professional guidelines require a supportive and affirming attitude on the part of your therapist and psychiatrist.

Even in New York City today, LGBT people sometimes receive amazingly bad treatment from their care providers. One member of Rainbow Heights Club told his therapist that homosexuality is not a mental illness. She said, “Yes, I know that, but in your case it is a mental illness.” Another club member, a Latina lesbian who wears her hair in a short crew-cut and wears masculine clothing, was sitting in the waiting room on her first day in a new clinic. A man walked through the room, looked at her, and said to the receptionist, “Mira esa puta.” That’s Spanish for “Look at that dyke.” The man was talking about her—and he turned out to be her therapist! Imagine how she must have felt. What’s more, she needed to talk to someone so badly about things that were bothering her, she didn’t tell her therapist that she had understood perfectly well and been offended by what he had said.

These are examples of unprofessional treatment that you should not accept from your care providers. You deserve better, and you have the right to demand better. If you need support, go to the Zappalorti Society or Rainbow Heights Club, or find consumers or friends who will listen to you and affirm what you have to say.

We all deserve acceptance and support from our therapists. Sometimes we get it right away, sometimes we have to find the right way to ask for it, and sometimes we have to decide to stop working with our current therapist and find someone who can be more open to us. The important thing to remember is that all of these situations are opportunities for learning, growing, taking care of ourselves, and learning new skills that we can use in plenty of other situations in our lives.

Our sexuality and gender identity can sometimes be tricky for us and our therapists to deal with. Sometimes it feels like a struggle just to find people who will treat us like human beings. But the acceptance and support that are out there waiting for us make it all worthwhile. Take your time and find the support you need as you are finding your own way.