You are about to read an English translation of a letter originally written in Chinese from a mental health consumer who is dealing with mental illness in China. Her name is Cao Chun Mei and she contacted us through our website www.newyorkcityvoices.org that connects the world to our newspaper. You can write to Cao Chun Mei by email to shirley11400@hotmail.com or by postal mail to Room 403, Building 63, Xubiyi Village, Sanming City, 365000, Fujian, China.
I suffer from schizophrenia. I am writing to you for help because I feel hopeless. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing because I don’t know if you are willing to help me from the other side of the ocean.
This mental illness has inflicted me for seven years. I developed hearing hallucinations when I was 14. At that time, I dropped out of school. I was hospitalized for several months, but my condition did not improve after spending lots of money on the treatment.
After being discharged, I refused to take the medication. Finally, I lost my sanity and insight. At that time, my parents had given up hope on me. My mind was confused for a few years and I stayed at home.
I gradually gained insight of my sanity in July 2005. Now, I have better insight, but my overall mental condition is still very bad. I can hardly manage my daily activities. I can’t afford to go to the hospital to get my medications because of my family’s poor financial condition. Although I am more used to it, hallucinations, delusions and passive emotions are still controlling my mind.
As I cannot control my compulsive, anxious thinking, I did something to hurt myself. I don’t know if some of the injuries will be permanent or not. My other physical illness had gotten worse due to delayed treatment, all because of the schizophrenic symptoms.
Now the most immediate problem is an eye illness and difficulty breathing caused by rhiritis (having difficulty breathing could have been caused by anxiety and panic). My physical and mental conditions are seriously affected by the panic.
When I get up early, I feel dizzy. I’m very scared. I am scared of losing my vision, the consequence of insufficient oxygen intake. I am afraid to die.
I try to calm down and relax, but it’s difficult for me without any help. My parents would think that I am overreacting and they don’t take it seriously.
Despite having gradually regained insanity, it’s hard for me to confront cruel reality. Sometimes I would have suicidal thoughts in my mind. I always fantasized in order to evade and hypnotize myself in my everyday life.
I have no reason to blame my parents; they love me very much, but they still have the traditional thinking toward mental illness. That is why I feel more pain—I have no emotional support in my living environment. I am always feeling lonely, insecure and no sense of belonging, no motivation towards life. I want to free myself from this life model, but it’s very difficult for me to do it, let alone with these symptoms that need medication.
I am very scared—I don’t want to just wait and die. I wish I could recover from mental illness and to live a normal life soon so that I can face reality without fear. I want to have a feeling of warmth and auspiciousness. I don’t want to be ashamed of my past experiences. I want to live. I want to make efforts. I don’t want to wait aimlessly. Can you help me? I’m very distressed.