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Everyone is afraid of something or someone, but sometimes fear is inside oneself which makes it a lot more difficult to overcome. Fear is an emotion aroused by a severe pain or anxiety inside oneself. This fear usually represents a danger that may or may not happen but it is there when one has to confront certain situations in his or her life. When someone suffers from a mental illness there is a fear that further recurrent episodes will occur when faced with stressful situations. Other fears will be in having to deal with going back to work, and interacting with people.

I suffer from both mania and depression. When one suffers from mania, he or she has an elevated mood, is euphoric, talks rapidly, sleeps very little and has racing thoughts. When one is depressed, he or she has not only changes in sleep, but also in appetite. He or she is also very blue and unhappy, worries a lot, and has no ability to experience pleasure. As a result, bipolar disorder (manic depression) is very frightening.

When I had my first manic episode, I thought I was acting normal. I was so high that I did not realize what was happening to me. I remember how it affected my family and how scared and worried they were for me. One time, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I heard my grandmother calling me to come and see her. I went upstairs and before I knew it, my father came up and said, "Linda, what are you doing here?" I did not have an answer and felt as if I was in a fog or in another universe that was not real. My parents took me to their room and watched me very closely. They were afraid of what I would do next. Around that time my parents took me to a psychiatrist.

Starting a life with this illness is fearful because one does not know how others will respond to you. You are often judged by your illness rather than being judging as a person with an illness. I am scared every time I meet friends, family, new acquaintances, and people in the work force. They tend to make me feel as if a part of me is damaged and cannot be repaired. If it were not for my psychiatrist, therapist, and certain support groups, I would probably have a major sense of the fear inside me. My two fears are coping with relationships and the world of work.

In college, I developed an infatuation about a man. Every time I saw him, my heart kept beating and my palms started to sweat. When I had my first manic attack, it was half about him. I kept hearing his voice inside my head, had racing thoughts, and did things impulsively without using good judgment. Now, whenever I see him I still shiver and have developed a fear of going near him thinking he will trigger another episode of mania. Sometimes the stress and the anxiety in my body is so high that when I approach him, it gets me so excited that I develop a high elevation in my mood. For this reason, I have to keep as much distance from him as possible.

I experience fear about my illness when I date and meet new people. I have a habit of being open with the person I meet and that is not good since they do not understand and may run away if they cannot deal with it. My therapist and I discussed that I should not disclose it so early unless I am dating on a serious level. Once the person gets to know me very well, I can open up. Once I was dating this man, and on the third date he told me he does not like to keep secrets, so I told him about my illness. He seemed to understand at first, but when I went on a weekend with him, he told me to forget about my medication. This made me cry all night because I realized he could not deal with my illness. I broke up the relationship, and decided I will not discuss my mental health with any man until something serious develops.

The world of work is also a scary place. People are afraid to work because they do not know if they can handle the stressful situations that arise in the workplace. There was one interview I had where the person asked me personal questions in which I froze and ended up telling him about my illness. In the business community, there is still a stigma which makes me fearful as to whether or not I should disclose my disability. People tend to discriminate because they do not want to bear the responsibility of someone who has a mental disorder. One time, I had a job as a medical secretary. The doctor noticed that I was very slow, had poor judgment, and started doing things that were unusual for him. He fired me the very next day. At that time, I had another manic episode, and it took some time for the medication to take effect. I did not disclose my illness, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did.

There are places that can help one get a job and keep it for as long as possible. VESID stands for "Vocational and Educational Services for Individuals with Disabilities." They put me in touch with a supported employment program where we discuss interviewing skills, keeping a job, and whether it is all right to disclose. This program receives job leads in which they explain to the employer what kind of agency it is. This helps me because the employer already knows that I have a psychiatric disability and is willing to work with the job coach in order to help me keep the job. The job coach will also accompany the person at the interview so that he or she can see the mistakes that the person is doing at the interview. With the job coach there, the employer gains an understanding as to the individual's needs and limitations. With all this support, it is less frightening. I can work because there are still people that care and want me to live an independent life as much as possible.