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Some of the most profound conversations I have occur with my friend Vinnie while riding the D train home into Brooklyn. I gave him the 411 about my most recent online dating venture. When the guy gave me his phone number on the third e-mail, I lobbed back, “Feel free to e-mail me, and we’ll take it from there.” He zinged a response, “Of course it’d take time to get to know you...I’m not interested in being friends...I want a committed relationship.”
Vinnie said, “Call the guy.” When I got home, I e-mailed another friend for feedback. Kurt said, “That doesn’t sound right. Call him if you want, but don’t give out your phone number.” The weekend came and as I’d promised in the latest e-mail, I dialed him. His phone didn’t ring...it crackled like it was disconnected.
I once asked my counselor, “What if someone rejects me?” She said, “Remember, you will be doing the rejecting too.”
I’ve turned 40 and at this milestone, I realize that life is too short to care what others think of me. I prefer to hang with my consumer friends because the inspire me and they’re upbeat. They don’t let their illnesses get the best of them and can relate to what I go through. I told Vinnie that I want someone as dedicated to his recovery as I am to mine.
On the Internet sites a man is not always who he says he is. A woman has the right to not respond to a profile and to trust her intuition if the guy seems to be pushy, evasive, or otherwise disrespectful.
As luck had it, another guy was interested in me at the same time. This person was friendly, so that bodes well, I think, for how he’d treat me on a date. We’ve shared ten or twelve e-mails so far, and he appears on the level. I’m going to suggest we meet either as friends or to see if we’re compatible as a couple.
As I rode the train home with Vinnie that night I gave him my take on disclosure to so-called normals (“normal people”). I said, “The very person who rejects you because you have an illness could be thrown his own curve down the road.”
Quite frankly, I think the effect of stigma on one’s success in life is overrated. Each of us has within us what it takes to thrive in the real world. Having an active life, including school, employment and dating is our right. I think that in order to conquer our illness, whatever it is, we need to develop strong egos and be resilient.
Getting experience in the dating game has given me the confidence to see I have a lot to offer the right person. I’m in no hurry. As it is, I have a full social agenda. This weekend, I’m seeing a U2 tribute band.
Some of my best friends belong to the opposite sex. My conversations with Vinnie on the D train inspire me to take risks. Before he gets off at Pacific, he gives me a friendly peck on the cheek. When he reaches the platform, he turns to wave good-bye.
I blow him a kiss.