A lot of consumers are ashamed to have a mental illness. I didn’t really understand this sense of shame until I personally began to experience mental illness. My mother has bipolar disorder and I have never been ashamed of her. She takes a few pills each night with a drink of water, and the next morning wakes up fine and ready to go to work. She lives a constructive life and I don’t see anything wrong with her.
It wasn’t until I experienced mental illness myself that I realized where that sense of shame came from. I’ve told very few of my friends about my diagnosis and I brushed off questions about my absences from school, my habit of watching TV all day and my obsessive eating habits. I was embarrassed, so I lied. I was afraid of what they might say and what they would tell other people.
What I’ve been through was hard. Any consumer knows that. I used to sit in a corner in my small, messy bathroom and cry about nothing. My mood would change dramatically from one moment to another.
I couldn’t understand my mood swings. I figured all teenagers had them. I would have panic attacks where my feet would get cold and sweaty, my stomach would cramp up, and my heart would beat so fast and so loud I could hear it through my sweater. Sometimes, I’d shake and shiver at the same time, crying about different things each time. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me and I became suicidal. I was also having hallucinations.
One night I woke up sweating and unnerved by a vivid dream to find myself staring at a deer in my room with big black eyes and a hungry mouth. I knew it wasn’t real, but still it was there and it scared me half to death.
I didn’t go to school for two months. Before that it was on and off. I was scared to leave the house, as I was having all sorts of symptoms. Obviously, these are the reasons I’m now on medication. I have a therapist now who hopefully will help me overcome my shame. Getting my life back to normal has been a struggle. I’m hopeful that I’ll soon be able to tell people that I’m “good” and not just “ok.”