Email | Print

I was always shy as a child, as an adolescent and as a young adult. Older now, I’m still shy. It’s called social anxiety.
According to Bernardo J. Carducci’s book, Shyness: A Bold New Approach, “…there is not one cause of shyness but many diverse causes including brain chemistry and reactivity (we could think of this as inborn temperament), harsh treatment from teachers or classmates, overprotective parents, faulty self-perceptions, poor adaptability, intolerance for ambiguity, physical appearance, life transitions (such as going away to school, divorce, a new job) and even cultural expectations. And some people are simply more sensitive about their behavior and are more easily embarrassed than others.”
This resonates with me. In school, I seldom raised my hand in class. I was too afraid of making a fool of myself. I actually went around repeating to myself regularly, “People may think I’m stupid. Don’t open your mouth and remove all doubt.” As my therapist points out, people warm up to people who look a little foolish because they see that they’re human and they identify.
Before my psychotic split, there weren’t many people in my life. I can attribute some of my mental collapse to not having meaningful relationships. When an avalanche of problems occurred, no one was there. I started to feel like I was talking to myself, though I wasn’t. I started to have panic attacks. Learn from my mistake. Take the risk, and develop friendships now so you have them when you need them. (Quitting in recovery is not an option.)
During much of my youth, I felt lonely and shy. Eye contact was difficult. Why couldn’t I join in like everyone else, I lamented. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I speak, too?
When you can’t speak, you listen. But let’s face it. That doesn’t cut it. You need to practice.
Try writing letters. It was difficult to write a letter at first. But soon the words poured out easily. It’s a safe place to start. You can disclose. There’s no pressure. There are no eyes to look back at you.
Another option is to put up a flyer in your therapy center for a goal buddy to meet with once or twice weekly. Your goal is to talk to each other. What about? About your social anxiety! You don’t have to be at a loss for words if you keep repeating to your goal partner, “I’m really feeling anxious right now. I don’t know what to say. I’m worried about what you’ll think of me. It’s hard for me to make eye contact.”
You have to risk being foolish. At this stage, it’s not important what you say. Just get yourself talking. Talk about what you had for lunch, the weather, your favorite color or music, a television program. Or be in the present moment: “Gee, it’s hot in here. That’s a nice shirt that you’re wearing. That waitress has a nice smile. I like salt on my hard-boiled eggs.”
When you are more comfortable, start asking the other person questions. Be interested in the other person. Remember, he or she is feeling totaled with anxiety, like you. The key is to keep going back to verbalizing your social anxiety when you don’t know what to say. “That’s a nice shirt that you’re wearing. Where did you get it?”
By getting a goal buddy to practice with, I drew him out, and thereby drew myself out; and I freed myself from a lot of my social fears. Now, if I could only go to parties!
If you can’t find a goal buddy, I would think the next low-anxiety technique would be asking your therapist if you could role-play starting and ending a conversation until you feel comfortable approaching another person. An excellent book for learning social skills that's easy to read and illustrated with cartoons is How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends, by Don Gabor.
The fact that another person would let me into their life is now a privilege that I don’t take lightly. A lot of social anxiety is learning to be less preoccupied about yourself and more interested in the other person. Put value in whoever is sitting across from you. When I learned this simple truth, my world opened up.