This is the story about an insecure mentally ill adult who absolutely loves and adores kids, but came to grips with the fact that he isn’t cut out for raising them.
For you who are considering childbirth maybe the thing to do is to move on to a different article. For you, maybe kids are the right choice. Everyone is different. Some mentally ill may make great mothers and fathers. One thing I learned and recommend to you is to obtain the counsel of wise experts.
As a little kid, I thought that I would never get my act together—the salaried job, marriage, and kids. I am still not married today.
“When I grow up I want to live in Denver,” I declared as a six-year-old. I wondered then if I could do the kids thing.
“He won’t ever grow up,” a friend responded.
As I got much older, as a schizophrenic, thinking about kids had two effects: 1. I’ll die childless and miserable with a worthless life and nothing to show for it; 2. I’ll raise a family of two or three “angels” and never have any real problems.
There was also a third scenario: I was worried that my child would be vicious, lazy beyond belief, a sexual deviant who will end up on the front page of some newspaper for a crime committed. Will my child be weak or sick or refuse to get married? Will he fail in school? Have a learning disability? Will he simply refuse to go to school? Will I make a hateful father?
Of course I was worried my child would grow up to be manic depressive—just like his father. “Don’t worry; you just do what you have to do,” a rabbi I am close with consoled me.
“Take it one test at a time—every day has its challenges. No, you are not ready to have kids now, but that is not a life sentence.”
Let’s go out and find that girl. What on G-d’s good earth are we waiting for? I can handle a family no sweat!
I think, “I am a mentally ill jerk. I can’t handle kids. Heck, I can’t handle my own laundry. I am a messed-up guy. I don’t feel it is responsible of me to have kids.”
Another thought is, “I am proud of this guy. He knows his limitations.”
I live at a Jewish residence for the mentally ill. The chief rabbi in all his wisdom informed me that the Bible is a living document and does not require manic-depressives in my circumstance to deal with the stress of a family.
So when my doctor told me that I should never have kids, one million thanks went her way. The Torah is a book that respects doctors; I believe there is no need to call my rabbi and reaffirm what a doctor said.
I am no longer overflowing with jealousy of people who have kids. I plan on volunteering; continuing to write and learn Talmud (Jewish book of laws). I work with a boy in special education who is sort of my son. He is not my biological son; but we are close. Life goes on, I don’t shake so much these days and I have slaughtered that perfect potential father in me.